شكراً 2013

قربت السنة تخلص وبلشو هالعالم تكتب عصفحاتها أمانيها للسنة لجديدة...بلشت العالم تشاركنا أفكارها عن كيف بدا تضعف..كيف بدا تتقدم بشغلها..كيف بدا تسافر بلاد العالم وكيف وكيف وكيف..
قربت السنة الجديدة وأنا بس عم فكر كيف مضيت هالسنة..بحلوها وأهم شي بأكل خراها..نعم متل ما قريتو، شو مستإلين بالخرا لإكلتو هالسنة؟!
الناس عم تقلي روقي يا بنت والوقت بحل كل شي..روقي يا مريم ومتل ما أكلوووكي هالهوا حياكلو هن وأكتر كمان..
يمكن الناس حكيها مزبوط..وبالآخر لسا عندي إيمان من جوا إنو كما تدين تدان يا عزيزي..
بيكفي فش خلق وخلينا نحكي بالمهم، ألا وهو: لولا ما أكلت الخرا ما كنت حسيت بطعمة الحلو. يعني، لولا ما مشيت هالناس من حياتي..هالناس لمعدنها طلع كل شي إلا من ذهب، ما كنت وعيت عالحواليي من عالم فعلا هي مطرحها بالقلب...ومع هيك مش هيدا المهم.
المهم يا حلوين إنو أنا متأكدة من شي واحد بس. مش إنو الله رح يبعتلي ناس أحسن وهالكلام، لأ! أنا متأكدة إنو بغياب وبرحيل عالم من حياتي هالسنة حيخليني إفضى لحالي السنة الجاية. حيخليني إقعد مع حالي وشوف هالمريم كيفا. هالمريم لتكونت بآخر كم سنة راضية عن تكوينها أو لأ...بدي قلها لهالمريم إنو لجاية إن شاء الله دايما أحسن من لراح...
وبالنهاية، بتمنا السنة الجاية تكون حلوة عالجميع (بصراحة مش كلكن ليه الكذب بس إنو)..
وبحب ذكركن، خلونا نبلش هالسنة بنية صافية وابتسامة عريضة...وبلا منطعمي العالم...هوا! (شووو...قلنا نية صافية)!
وأخيرا، سامحوني على ما بدر وما لم يبدر مني...
ويلا، هيدي أمنيتي لإلكن: تصبحون على أيام وسنوات مليئة بما هو خير لكم...

Momentary Comfort

I used to find comfort in writing, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in singing, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in hugs, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in watching Sex and the City, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in exercising, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in crying, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in being with family and friends, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in long drives, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in my wishful thoughts, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in your voice, now you're gone.
I used to find comfort in your touch, now you're gone.
I used to find comfort in your eyes, now you're gone.
I used to find comfort in your... Well, I used to find comfort in you and you're gone now.
I guess comfort was never meant to be found in something, or someone because everything and everyone around us are bound to leave us, no? I guess seeking comfort from within is the only way. But how? How do I know where to begin when you won't be there to take me by the hand and show me the way?
Wait, am I not the independent woman I always thought highly off? Was I repeating this out loud to force people to believe a beautiful brave picture I created of myself? Or was I trying to prove it to myself?
Was it my mistake to put all my faith in you? Are we built and created to figure things out on our own?
But most importantly, am I ok? Am I doing "fine"? Are you?
I wish you're not. I wish you are as lost as I am (and maybe a bit more).
Here's to the memories I will never regret... Here's to... Well, f*ck you.

M.C

Powerless Me

Unpleasant thoughts come my way when I think of all the things I dont have control over. When I know that all I can offer the person in front of me is a hug, a kiss or maybe a kind word.

For all the people who don't know me, I am Mariam. Mariam the person who suffers with digesting the thought of losing the people around her to death. Let alone comforting people when losing their loved ones...

Today, only an hour ago, I was told that we have lost my young second cousin who lives in Australia and whom we've never met. I was also told that my other cousin is in intensive care right now (him, I have met couple of years ago while he was visiting us in Abu Dhabi) - please pray for his recovery.

Not until I was writing these words that I felt the news sinking in. I pictured the whole accident. How it happened? When? Who was doing what? And WHY did it happen?

We hear bad news every day and nothing feels worse than feeling helpless and powerless. And all I hear around me is people telling me to accept the "destiny" that is written for us. Maybe, one day.

All I have at the moment are questions and all I can hope and pray for is for God to provide their parents with strength...

Ya rab...

M.C

بالعربي: ملّيت!

ملّيت إحكي بالمنيح عنك..
ملّيت لمع صورتك إدام عيلتي ورفقاتي..
ملّيت برر كل شي عملتو غلط بحق رفقاتك لرفقاتك..
ملّيت برر لحالي كل شي عملتو غلط معي..
ملّيت حاول إمحي سلبياتك وقول:إيه ولو ما حدا كامل..
ملّيت قول: معليه بكرة بيحس وبيعرف الصح..
ملّيت فكر إنو أغلاطك مش رح تتكرر..
ملّيت بررلك هالأغلاط..
ملّيت إقعد لحالي بعد كل مشكلة وفكر: أنا بشو غلطت؟! (لأنو طبعاً ما بسمح لحالي للحظة فكر إنو الغلطة غلطتك)..
ملّيت اسمع اعتذاراتك المتكررة بعد فوات الأوان..
ملّيت اتمسك بذكرياتنا وقّلك: شوف شو كنّا مبسوطين!..
أوف وآه! ملّيت واتعبت انتظر هاللحظة العظيمة لما حاتضّوي لمبة فوق راسك وتستوعب إنو أنا فعلًا..فعلًا وحقًا «ملّيت»!

Twenty Three (23)

"I am getting older" is what I keep telling myself every time I face a new situation that not only depresses me, but leaves me hanging there with no clue on how to react nor what to say. We lose our beloved ones to death (or any other shattering cause for that matter). When we get older we start experiencing things that we thought we would never have to face. ever. 

But is it really about age? Is that how "23" is supposed to feel like? After  on-going conversations I was lucky enough to have with warmhearted family members, amazing friends and lovely coworkers I came to one understanding: we are just bringing our conscious more into the situations we're facing, and  -yes- because we are  getting older and we are encountering more people day by day. We are getting more exposed to what is happening "out there" and we cannot escape it for several reasons that I am sure we are well aware of. What is surrounding us is no longer distant, it has become a part of our daily life. Not a single person I know is not facing what I am but with different angles. Let it be a loss of a friend and/or a family member, a break up or even weight loss/gain issues.

I am sad. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am a walking mix of emotions (like any one of you). On top of it all I am thankful. Immensely thankful that I will never have to face any of those situations alone. I am thankful to each and every single one of you.

Lots of love from me to you xoxo

M.C.

Unconditional Acceptance

We frame people. We limit them within finite spaces and expect them to stay there, never move backwards nor forward. We expect them to fit perfectly within the silhouette that we consciously drew with our very specific expectations. And when an incident after another occur, and with every interaction we make with these people, we discover new dimensions to their personality... Dimensions that we haven't calculated or taken into consideration... Dimensions that might be too big to too small to fit on the frames we have created in the beginning. 

I've come to this conclusion after I myself have been put within frames that I couldn't bear to be put in. I disappointed so many people by simply being a different image of what they have expected from me to be. Correct me if I'm wrong, but none of us enjoy the look of disappointment in other people's eyes, especially people that matter.

We just need to accept that we each come with different frames that contain and bring together what make us what we are. I know this is not as easy as it sounds, understanding that people come as is is hard and we cannot just stuff them in the void we want and need them to fill. It might take me time to understand this and act upon it, but I will reach that point. Until then, I send you all lots of love... Whoever you are and wherever you are...

M.C.

The Life I Live

Sometimes, in order for us to initiate a new start, a new routine, a new way of living, we have to disconnect... Disconnect from our day to day reality that is. At least, this is what I knew I needed. I am not talking about an Eat, Pray, Love kind of thing. No, not at all. I didn't want to leave my life behind and wander the world to find my true self, all I needed was a better view to where I am at right now. 

It all started when I decided that I needed to take a break. Where to? When? What from? It just didn't matter. I just knew that I had to go away for a while in order to remember why I am living the current life I chose for myself. 

I travelled. Not to the Maldives, nor to Europe and neither to Sri Lanka, I instead travelled to my home country Lebanon. When I first took the decision, I only had my father in mind. I wanted to see him and I knew that it was going to be a while until he comes back to Abu Dhabi. And so I packed my stuff and travelled. 

When I first arrived to Lebanon and squeezed hugged everyone at the airport - especially baba-, I felt a great relief. I was among family, and in case you don't know this about me (yet), being with my family is the ultimate joy to me. 

But something was different this time. I was walking the same streets, eating at the same restaurants, viewing the same sea and mountains, but something was just different. I related it at first to the people I was with: Rim, Bortoqale (yes, this is a fake name), Henry, Farid, Salma and Aly. The time spent with them was eye opening. The talks we talked, the drinks we drank, the food we ate, the air we shared, all were different. The words that were addressed to me were 'seen' and 'heard' in a different manner. I wouldn't say I was told new things, but they were just told differently within a different atmosphere and most importantly, within a different inner consciousness. 

This is how I disconnected. I saw Lebanon in different eyes. I saw people in different perspectives. I saw myself wanting to come back to Abu Dhabi, not because I wanted to leave the four days spent at Lebanon behind, but because I realised that if it wasn't for the life I am living, I wouldn't have seen nor felt things for the 'first time'.  

M.C.

2013 Resolution: Love the Persistent Person Within

For the past couple of weeks, I was faced with different situations that were going absolutely the opposite way I wanted them to, but being the persistent person I am; I just couldn't give up and let them go to wherever they were heading to.

It all started with a very hard decision I had to make but finally took. I had to do it for my own sake. I had to digest that some people come into our lives for a reason and once their role is done, they might/or might not leave. Did I give up? No. Never. I just took the right decision that will get me to what I really want and will help me achieve the picture I drew for myself. Other stories varied from facing a 'hit and run' situation and having to prove that it was NOT my fault to staying focused on my weight loss goal.  

I can assure you that you'll never find me saying that this current phase in my life is easy with all the decisions being made but what keeps me going is a sentence often repeated by my life coach: "They way you do one thing, is the way you do everything." And I choose to be strong about everything I do.

Taking that into consideration, I decided that I want to be the responsible woman who solves her own matters by herself. Things began to settle. I came into peace with opening another chapter in my life while sharing it with new people. On the other hand, what was really upsetting me the fact that my hard work to lose weight was not going anywhere. Something had to change again. Once I realised that, I changed my diet plan (for the millionth time) in addition to my exercising routine and that has been working perfectly  and results have been positive ever since - woot woot.

On a last note, please excuse me if I mixed things up for you but in my head there is only one thought I want to leave you with after sharing what I just did: if you really want to achieve something that you believe is the best for you, it is time you change your attitude towards it because only then things will start going the way you want them to.  

M.C.

Limitless Determination

Like any other person, getting demotivated while trying to reach your long term goal is ordinary. But when the downs are taking place more than the ups this is when you know something is just not right. This is when you know that you have drifted away and your focus is no longer in the right place. Losing weight and getting in shape has always been one of the essential goals I've always striven to attain. 

Lately, my vision towards reaching to the end point has been blurred by no one else but myself. I have let the other Mariam in me, the one we are not so fond of, take over. She and her train of thoughts started invading my entity. Why do people put less effort to lose weight than I do and still succeed? Why do people keep comparing me to others? Why am I prevented from practicing things that will make my journey easier? Thoughts like this (and a lot worse) kept manipulating with my determination and intention to live the life I once chose to start. But I wasn't going to let this tag along for it not only affected my physique, but my inner self too. I decided to stop comparing myself to others in a negative manner. I decided to take action again. 

My wake up call came two days ago when my trainer -who was away last month- was amazed by my endurance and fitness level despite everything. We had a heart-to-heart conversation. Another one came from another inspirational person in my life who pushed me towards setting short and long term goals to help me visualize my journey. 

I don't feel bad about the downs I have been through so far, if anything I am grateful for the other vicious Mariam who helped me reach to where I am now. I am a determined woman and I know exactly where I'll be at through and at the end of my journey. 

I will  live the life I want to live with the determination, intention and energy I possess and the support of the ones igniting my path along the way.

Today, I start again.

M.C.