Momentary Comfort

I used to find comfort in writing, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in singing, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in hugs, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in watching Sex and the City, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in exercising, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in crying, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in being with family and friends, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in long drives, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in my wishful thoughts, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in your voice, now you're gone.
I used to find comfort in your touch, now you're gone.
I used to find comfort in your eyes, now you're gone.
I used to find comfort in your... Well, I used to find comfort in you and you're gone now.
I guess comfort was never meant to be found in something, or someone because everything and everyone around us are bound to leave us, no? I guess seeking comfort from within is the only way. But how? How do I know where to begin when you won't be there to take me by the hand and show me the way?
Wait, am I not the independent woman I always thought highly off? Was I repeating this out loud to force people to believe a beautiful brave picture I created of myself? Or was I trying to prove it to myself?
Was it my mistake to put all my faith in you? Are we built and created to figure things out on our own?
But most importantly, am I ok? Am I doing "fine"? Are you?
I wish you're not. I wish you are as lost as I am (and maybe a bit more).
Here's to the memories I will never regret... Here's to... Well, f*ck you.

M.C

Powerless Me

Unpleasant thoughts come my way when I think of all the things I dont have control over. When I know that all I can offer the person in front of me is a hug, a kiss or maybe a kind word.

For all the people who don't know me, I am Mariam. Mariam the person who suffers with digesting the thought of losing the people around her to death. Let alone comforting people when losing their loved ones...

Today, only an hour ago, I was told that we have lost my young second cousin who lives in Australia and whom we've never met. I was also told that my other cousin is in intensive care right now (him, I have met couple of years ago while he was visiting us in Abu Dhabi) - please pray for his recovery.

Not until I was writing these words that I felt the news sinking in. I pictured the whole accident. How it happened? When? Who was doing what? And WHY did it happen?

We hear bad news every day and nothing feels worse than feeling helpless and powerless. And all I hear around me is people telling me to accept the "destiny" that is written for us. Maybe, one day.

All I have at the moment are questions and all I can hope and pray for is for God to provide their parents with strength...

Ya rab...

M.C