Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The limitations to my positive thoughts

Unlike the past week, I woke up today feeling this negative energy settling on my chest. I tried to shake it off, chose to wear a bright outfit but ended up wearing an extremely dull one. To many of you, those two lines did not make sense what so ever, but for someone who expresses their inner peace with the outer appearance, this meant one thing: sh*t is going down! I went along my day trying to shove away those thoughts and feelings but the voices in my head won the battle and something did happen; my friend's grandmother passed away. After pushing all my strengths towards comforting my friend on this devastating news it suddenly hit me: I won't be seeing my grandmother Bodour for the first time sitting in her chair at her salon, at her house, calling me to eat boiled beets with her (something I never ate until last winter when she forced me to try them).  She won't be there to complement the way I dress. She won't be there to criticize my loud voice and laughter. She won't be there to forbid me from having anything but her home cooked meals... She won't be there. She won't be there. She won't be there. She won't be there. She won't be there .She won't be there. She won't be there...

I'm trying to look at this differently, the way I try to look at other things. I'm trying to find the good part in this but my selfish human conscious is preventing me to feel it. The only thing I can think about is that I hope she really is in a better place, enjoying her time with the people she always wanted to be with. 

This is to you tayta Bodour, tayta Fatat and all my loved ones who I truly love and now deeply miss...



  1. Somehow i came across your blog. Nonetheless, that was touching and i think that just the thought of losing a loved one is unthinkable and brings so many other tearful memories. I have never seen nor met my late grandba and grandma from my father side. Just try to cherish each and every single moment you had spent with your tayta. My Allah have mercy on her sweet soul.

  2. Thank you very much Nour Al Dain for your kind words and prayers. Nshalla you'll meet them in a better place.
    Going to Lebanon last week was even worse than I expected; not having her around was suffocating but lhamdella I had the chance to spend time with my grandpa (dad's side).
    Thank you again and you are always welcome to read and leave a note to any of the posts I share :)

  3. Thank you and i'm sure i'll read and leave a comment whenever possible. My grandpa (mom's side) was my last grandparent to be alive; he lived for over 90 years but still he's passed away since almost 10 years if he didn't live that long i wouldn't even remember what it's like to have a grandparent. It's my pleasure to read your blog.