A couple of days ago, while heading back from Dubai to Abu Dhabi, I had the chance to think about something that has bothering me for a while now. It has come to my attention that I try SO hard to defend myself, my thoughts, my actions, my beliefs, etc. It's not teenager talk, I don't want to just *insert annoying teenager tone* 'do whatever I totally feel like doing...like totally'. But rather, I started thinking about several incidents where I allow people to push me towards babbling reasons to why I've done something the way I did and why it wasn't my fault and so on...
So, I started raising questions: When should I just shush and not say anything to people in front me? when should I just node my head and work the muscles on my cheeks up? And so I thought, maybe it's simply when my explanations and justifications are not needed because whoever is confronting me is not really interested nor waiting for what I have to say. They are just here to shout out whatever they want to say and leave. But then another thought joined the ongoing train of thoughts: sometimes people come and raise questions about things you've done and said wanting to hear what you have to say. In these cases, I think it is safe if I start saying what is on my mind and explain how things led to another... right? maybe?!
I went on and tried the above scenarios for 4 days but it did not work for me! No they did NOT! I couldn't just take the blame for things I haven't done or said! I couldn't just stand there with my mouth shut. I needed to defend my thoughts, my words and my actions! I needed to stand up for myself and I wasn't going to wait for someone to do it for me. But, unfortunately, this did not work either. Saying whatever is on your mind at the happening moment is not always the right action to take. So again, I went back to my journey of finding the perfect way to "voice out" and I figured: it's all about the timing! And trust me, holding yourself back to find the perfect timing is NOT easy! Oh not at all! But I'm learning and taking by the advice to take deep breaths all the time and deeper breaths at other times.
Until then, I can assure you one thing; I, Mariam El Chami, will never suppress my thoughts. Never.