Twenty Three (23)

"I am getting older" is what I keep telling myself every time I face a new situation that not only depresses me, but leaves me hanging there with no clue on how to react nor what to say. We lose our beloved ones to death (or any other shattering cause for that matter). When we get older we start experiencing things that we thought we would never have to face. ever. 

But is it really about age? Is that how "23" is supposed to feel like? After  on-going conversations I was lucky enough to have with warmhearted family members, amazing friends and lovely coworkers I came to one understanding: we are just bringing our conscious more into the situations we're facing, and  -yes- because we are  getting older and we are encountering more people day by day. We are getting more exposed to what is happening "out there" and we cannot escape it for several reasons that I am sure we are well aware of. What is surrounding us is no longer distant, it has become a part of our daily life. Not a single person I know is not facing what I am but with different angles. Let it be a loss of a friend and/or a family member, a break up or even weight loss/gain issues.

I am sad. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am a walking mix of emotions (like any one of you). On top of it all I am thankful. Immensely thankful that I will never have to face any of those situations alone. I am thankful to each and every single one of you.

Lots of love from me to you xoxo

M.C.

Unconditional Acceptance

We frame people. We limit them within finite spaces and expect them to stay there, never move backwards nor forward. We expect them to fit perfectly within the silhouette that we consciously drew with our very specific expectations. And when an incident after another occur, and with every interaction we make with these people, we discover new dimensions to their personality... Dimensions that we haven't calculated or taken into consideration... Dimensions that might be too big to too small to fit on the frames we have created in the beginning. 

I've come to this conclusion after I myself have been put within frames that I couldn't bear to be put in. I disappointed so many people by simply being a different image of what they have expected from me to be. Correct me if I'm wrong, but none of us enjoy the look of disappointment in other people's eyes, especially people that matter.

We just need to accept that we each come with different frames that contain and bring together what make us what we are. I know this is not as easy as it sounds, understanding that people come as is is hard and we cannot just stuff them in the void we want and need them to fill. It might take me time to understand this and act upon it, but I will reach that point. Until then, I send you all lots of love... Whoever you are and wherever you are...

M.C.

The Life I Live

Sometimes, in order for us to initiate a new start, a new routine, a new way of living, we have to disconnect... Disconnect from our day to day reality that is. At least, this is what I knew I needed. I am not talking about an Eat, Pray, Love kind of thing. No, not at all. I didn't want to leave my life behind and wander the world to find my true self, all I needed was a better view to where I am at right now. 

It all started when I decided that I needed to take a break. Where to? When? What from? It just didn't matter. I just knew that I had to go away for a while in order to remember why I am living the current life I chose for myself. 

I travelled. Not to the Maldives, nor to Europe and neither to Sri Lanka, I instead travelled to my home country Lebanon. When I first took the decision, I only had my father in mind. I wanted to see him and I knew that it was going to be a while until he comes back to Abu Dhabi. And so I packed my stuff and travelled. 

When I first arrived to Lebanon and squeezed hugged everyone at the airport - especially baba-, I felt a great relief. I was among family, and in case you don't know this about me (yet), being with my family is the ultimate joy to me. 

But something was different this time. I was walking the same streets, eating at the same restaurants, viewing the same sea and mountains, but something was just different. I related it at first to the people I was with: Rim, Bortoqale (yes, this is a fake name), Henry, Farid, Salma and Aly. The time spent with them was eye opening. The talks we talked, the drinks we drank, the food we ate, the air we shared, all were different. The words that were addressed to me were 'seen' and 'heard' in a different manner. I wouldn't say I was told new things, but they were just told differently within a different atmosphere and most importantly, within a different inner consciousness. 

This is how I disconnected. I saw Lebanon in different eyes. I saw people in different perspectives. I saw myself wanting to come back to Abu Dhabi, not because I wanted to leave the four days spent at Lebanon behind, but because I realised that if it wasn't for the life I am living, I wouldn't have seen nor felt things for the 'first time'.  

M.C.

2013 Resolution: Love the Persistent Person Within

For the past couple of weeks, I was faced with different situations that were going absolutely the opposite way I wanted them to, but being the persistent person I am; I just couldn't give up and let them go to wherever they were heading to.

It all started with a very hard decision I had to make but finally took. I had to do it for my own sake. I had to digest that some people come into our lives for a reason and once their role is done, they might/or might not leave. Did I give up? No. Never. I just took the right decision that will get me to what I really want and will help me achieve the picture I drew for myself. Other stories varied from facing a 'hit and run' situation and having to prove that it was NOT my fault to staying focused on my weight loss goal.  

I can assure you that you'll never find me saying that this current phase in my life is easy with all the decisions being made but what keeps me going is a sentence often repeated by my life coach: "They way you do one thing, is the way you do everything." And I choose to be strong about everything I do.

Taking that into consideration, I decided that I want to be the responsible woman who solves her own matters by herself. Things began to settle. I came into peace with opening another chapter in my life while sharing it with new people. On the other hand, what was really upsetting me the fact that my hard work to lose weight was not going anywhere. Something had to change again. Once I realised that, I changed my diet plan (for the millionth time) in addition to my exercising routine and that has been working perfectly  and results have been positive ever since - woot woot.

On a last note, please excuse me if I mixed things up for you but in my head there is only one thought I want to leave you with after sharing what I just did: if you really want to achieve something that you believe is the best for you, it is time you change your attitude towards it because only then things will start going the way you want them to.  

M.C.

Limitless Determination

Like any other person, getting demotivated while trying to reach your long term goal is ordinary. But when the downs are taking place more than the ups this is when you know something is just not right. This is when you know that you have drifted away and your focus is no longer in the right place. Losing weight and getting in shape has always been one of the essential goals I've always striven to attain. 

Lately, my vision towards reaching to the end point has been blurred by no one else but myself. I have let the other Mariam in me, the one we are not so fond of, take over. She and her train of thoughts started invading my entity. Why do people put less effort to lose weight than I do and still succeed? Why do people keep comparing me to others? Why am I prevented from practicing things that will make my journey easier? Thoughts like this (and a lot worse) kept manipulating with my determination and intention to live the life I once chose to start. But I wasn't going to let this tag along for it not only affected my physique, but my inner self too. I decided to stop comparing myself to others in a negative manner. I decided to take action again. 

My wake up call came two days ago when my trainer -who was away last month- was amazed by my endurance and fitness level despite everything. We had a heart-to-heart conversation. Another one came from another inspirational person in my life who pushed me towards setting short and long term goals to help me visualize my journey. 

I don't feel bad about the downs I have been through so far, if anything I am grateful for the other vicious Mariam who helped me reach to where I am now. I am a determined woman and I know exactly where I'll be at through and at the end of my journey. 

I will  live the life I want to live with the determination, intention and energy I possess and the support of the ones igniting my path along the way.

Today, I start again.

M.C.

The limitations to my positive thoughts

Unlike the past week, I woke up today feeling this negative energy settling on my chest. I tried to shake it off, chose to wear a bright outfit but ended up wearing an extremely dull one. To many of you, those two lines did not make sense what so ever, but for someone who expresses their inner peace with the outer appearance, this meant one thing: sh*t is going down! I went along my day trying to shove away those thoughts and feelings but the voices in my head won the battle and something did happen; my friend's grandmother passed away. After pushing all my strengths towards comforting my friend on this devastating news it suddenly hit me: I won't be seeing my grandmother Bodour for the first time sitting in her chair at her salon, at her house, calling me to eat boiled beets with her (something I never ate until last winter when she forced me to try them).  She won't be there to complement the way I dress. She won't be there to criticize my loud voice and laughter. She won't be there to forbid me from having anything but her home cooked meals... She won't be there. She won't be there. She won't be there. She won't be there. She won't be there .She won't be there. She won't be there...

I'm trying to look at this differently, the way I try to look at other things. I'm trying to find the good part in this but my selfish human conscious is preventing me to feel it. The only thing I can think about is that I hope she really is in a better place, enjoying her time with the people she always wanted to be with. 

This is to you tayta Bodour, tayta Fatat and all my loved ones who I truly love and now deeply miss...

M.C

Bodour: Full Moon(s)

I apologize my dear readers as for the past week I was completely out of touch due to the unfortunate passing away of my habibti grandmother Bodour - May her soul rest in peace-. She was a strong woman who fought to raise her children all by herself in this cruel, cruel world.

I would like to take this chance to thank each and everyone of you who supported me with their kind words and hugs through out the past week. 

With the loss of every person close to my heart, I try to confront my disbelieves and find true comfort  in the words I write. This time, I'm going to share a note that I've written more than two years ago on the loss of Sima -May her soul rest in peace-, a lively friend I met at the American University of Sharjah .

Since I was a little girl, I was always taught that as there is a beginning there is an end to everything and everyone. They've always 

spoken of death as something unpredictable and unavoidable…Something that will eventually has its hands on you.

Of course, I am here not to object on death. But I wonder, why is there a book on how to peel a banana in three steps and not one sentence to guide us through the loss of a beloved one!! Yes, I’m someone who can never understand the concept of death. I want to be in comfort with death. I see people around me repeating words like: “it’s ok, this is God’s will.” But why do I, a strong believer (I would like to believe), still tremble whenever death is ‘around’? Why am I, up until this day, still not OK with losing a beloved someone…a friend..a teacher...a grandma..a cousin…an uncle…?

‘They’ say it gets easier with time. That 'soon' you'll cope with the non-existence of that person anymore.

Is it only me, or this does not make any sense what so ever? I’ve finally come to the conclusion that by saying this, we try to comfort the little voice inside of us saying that no, it’s not ok…You just lost someone so dear to you and it’s ok if you cry and curse. But we want that voice to go away because truth, truth just hurts. And so, we look around for the other people in grief and try to help them with the ‘wise’ words we’ve been taught through out our lives.

But at the end of the day, we cannot help but think of the loved ones we lost and sob in tears...

Allah, please grant me the strength that I terribly lack and need.

May Allah protect all the loved ones in my life and yours. 

Reading this today I see that my perspective on death has only slightly changed. Like any other person, I still dislike the concept of losing the sight and voice of someone you love but I accept now that people like 'tayta Bodour' deserves another chance to live happier days with people she once  talked fondly of...

I pray your safe and happy wherever you are tayta, surrounded by the people that brings you comfort... Such comfort that you've always managed to give your children and people surrounding you. 

M.C.