"Just make sure he is not already married."

"French manicure and pedicure please," I said with a wide smile.

The salon lady: "But ma'am you always put colourful nailpolish."

"Not this time. This time I'm doing things differently..." I said with an even wider smile.

I was looking forward to my date on Sunday. A date I never thought would happen, not now, not in a million years! We met five/six years ago in a psychology class - he was older. We'd have the occasional greetings and that would be it. Not until recently that we had the guts to take the conversation further. We would talk for couple of days - take a break- then speak again. But our conversations never really went very far from the usual casual ones between two strangers. 

He was the first crush I had after the huge break up I went through, so you can imagine how big of a deal it was for me to open up to someone, this fast. He said all the right words. He had the right manners. He wasn't like all other dates I went with the past year. He wasn't stingy, he didn't ask if I would consider having six abs and he didn't ask me to live in a studio, quit my job and raise his children (yup, been there). Anyways, his boldness was so refreshing. He seemed like he knew what he wanted and said and did the appropriate thing; he asked me out right away. I said yes.

Having a strong relationship with momzy, I told her that I am talking with an old "friend" and that he is extremely "sweet" and "different". She laughed knowing that there was more to it. She then put down the dishes and said as she giggled: "Just make sure he is not already married." So of course, I denied that there was anything happening - cos there wasn't. And so I went to the salon on Friday to do the "necessary".

Friday, just two days before our date, he remembered to share a very important point with me. I was all anxious wanting to know what was wrong - I say wrong because his tone was extremely serious, unlike the usual. I received the message from him and immediately told the salon lady that I have changed my mind. I no longer wanted french manicure and pedicure, I wanted gold. gold nail polish. Oh, and the message said that he really likes me. But it also said -wait for it- that he is E-N-G-A-G-E-D. Yup, engaged. 

I know I know...another experience...another lesson learnt. So, what did I learn other than knowing that mama is a psychic? I learnt that I will always be a sucker for romance. I will always say yes if I feel like I want to. I will never settle. I will never wait. And ok fine, I won't believe a man when he says he is not engaged - because this time, I actually asked and only got the true answer right before my date.

M.C.

شكراً 2013

قربت السنة تخلص وبلشو هالعالم تكتب عصفحاتها أمانيها للسنة لجديدة...بلشت العالم تشاركنا أفكارها عن كيف بدا تضعف..كيف بدا تتقدم بشغلها..كيف بدا تسافر بلاد العالم وكيف وكيف وكيف..
قربت السنة الجديدة وأنا بس عم فكر كيف مضيت هالسنة..بحلوها وأهم شي بأكل خراها..نعم متل ما قريتو، شو مستإلين بالخرا لإكلتو هالسنة؟!
الناس عم تقلي روقي يا بنت والوقت بحل كل شي..روقي يا مريم ومتل ما أكلوووكي هالهوا حياكلو هن وأكتر كمان..
يمكن الناس حكيها مزبوط..وبالآخر لسا عندي إيمان من جوا إنو كما تدين تدان يا عزيزي..
بيكفي فش خلق وخلينا نحكي بالمهم، ألا وهو: لولا ما أكلت الخرا ما كنت حسيت بطعمة الحلو. يعني، لولا ما مشيت هالناس من حياتي..هالناس لمعدنها طلع كل شي إلا من ذهب، ما كنت وعيت عالحواليي من عالم فعلا هي مطرحها بالقلب...ومع هيك مش هيدا المهم.
المهم يا حلوين إنو أنا متأكدة من شي واحد بس. مش إنو الله رح يبعتلي ناس أحسن وهالكلام، لأ! أنا متأكدة إنو بغياب وبرحيل عالم من حياتي هالسنة حيخليني إفضى لحالي السنة الجاية. حيخليني إقعد مع حالي وشوف هالمريم كيفا. هالمريم لتكونت بآخر كم سنة راضية عن تكوينها أو لأ...بدي قلها لهالمريم إنو لجاية إن شاء الله دايما أحسن من لراح...
وبالنهاية، بتمنا السنة الجاية تكون حلوة عالجميع (بصراحة مش كلكن ليه الكذب بس إنو)..
وبحب ذكركن، خلونا نبلش هالسنة بنية صافية وابتسامة عريضة...وبلا منطعمي العالم...هوا! (شووو...قلنا نية صافية)!
وأخيرا، سامحوني على ما بدر وما لم يبدر مني...
ويلا، هيدي أمنيتي لإلكن: تصبحون على أيام وسنوات مليئة بما هو خير لكم...

Momentary Comfort

I used to find comfort in writing, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in singing, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in hugs, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in watching Sex and the City, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in exercising, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in crying, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in being with family and friends, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in long drives, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in my wishful thoughts, now I don't.
I used to find comfort in your voice, now you're gone.
I used to find comfort in your touch, now you're gone.
I used to find comfort in your eyes, now you're gone.
I used to find comfort in your... Well, I used to find comfort in you and you're gone now.
I guess comfort was never meant to be found in something, or someone because everything and everyone around us are bound to leave us, no? I guess seeking comfort from within is the only way. But how? How do I know where to begin when you won't be there to take me by the hand and show me the way?
Wait, am I not the independent woman I always thought highly off? Was I repeating this out loud to force people to believe a beautiful brave picture I created of myself? Or was I trying to prove it to myself?
Was it my mistake to put all my faith in you? Are we built and created to figure things out on our own?
But most importantly, am I ok? Am I doing "fine"? Are you?
I wish you're not. I wish you are as lost as I am (and maybe a bit more).
Here's to the memories I will never regret... Here's to... Well, f*ck you.

M.C

Powerless Me

Unpleasant thoughts come my way when I think of all the things I dont have control over. When I know that all I can offer the person in front of me is a hug, a kiss or maybe a kind word.

For all the people who don't know me, I am Mariam. Mariam the person who suffers with digesting the thought of losing the people around her to death. Let alone comforting people when losing their loved ones...

Today, only an hour ago, I was told that we have lost my young second cousin who lives in Australia and whom we've never met. I was also told that my other cousin is in intensive care right now (him, I have met couple of years ago while he was visiting us in Abu Dhabi) - please pray for his recovery.

Not until I was writing these words that I felt the news sinking in. I pictured the whole accident. How it happened? When? Who was doing what? And WHY did it happen?

We hear bad news every day and nothing feels worse than feeling helpless and powerless. And all I hear around me is people telling me to accept the "destiny" that is written for us. Maybe, one day.

All I have at the moment are questions and all I can hope and pray for is for God to provide their parents with strength...

Ya rab...

M.C

بالعربي: ملّيت!

ملّيت إحكي بالمنيح عنك..
ملّيت لمع صورتك إدام عيلتي ورفقاتي..
ملّيت برر كل شي عملتو غلط بحق رفقاتك لرفقاتك..
ملّيت برر لحالي كل شي عملتو غلط معي..
ملّيت حاول إمحي سلبياتك وقول:إيه ولو ما حدا كامل..
ملّيت قول: معليه بكرة بيحس وبيعرف الصح..
ملّيت فكر إنو أغلاطك مش رح تتكرر..
ملّيت بررلك هالأغلاط..
ملّيت إقعد لحالي بعد كل مشكلة وفكر: أنا بشو غلطت؟! (لأنو طبعاً ما بسمح لحالي للحظة فكر إنو الغلطة غلطتك)..
ملّيت اسمع اعتذاراتك المتكررة بعد فوات الأوان..
ملّيت اتمسك بذكرياتنا وقّلك: شوف شو كنّا مبسوطين!..
أوف وآه! ملّيت واتعبت انتظر هاللحظة العظيمة لما حاتضّوي لمبة فوق راسك وتستوعب إنو أنا فعلًا..فعلًا وحقًا «ملّيت»!

Twenty Three (23)

"I am getting older" is what I keep telling myself every time I face a new situation that not only depresses me, but leaves me hanging there with no clue on how to react nor what to say. We lose our beloved ones to death (or any other shattering cause for that matter). When we get older we start experiencing things that we thought we would never have to face. ever. 

But is it really about age? Is that how "23" is supposed to feel like? After  on-going conversations I was lucky enough to have with warmhearted family members, amazing friends and lovely coworkers I came to one understanding: we are just bringing our conscious more into the situations we're facing, and  -yes- because we are  getting older and we are encountering more people day by day. We are getting more exposed to what is happening "out there" and we cannot escape it for several reasons that I am sure we are well aware of. What is surrounding us is no longer distant, it has become a part of our daily life. Not a single person I know is not facing what I am but with different angles. Let it be a loss of a friend and/or a family member, a break up or even weight loss/gain issues.

I am sad. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am a walking mix of emotions (like any one of you). On top of it all I am thankful. Immensely thankful that I will never have to face any of those situations alone. I am thankful to each and every single one of you.

Lots of love from me to you xoxo

M.C.

Unconditional Acceptance

We frame people. We limit them within finite spaces and expect them to stay there, never move backwards nor forward. We expect them to fit perfectly within the silhouette that we consciously drew with our very specific expectations. And when an incident after another occur, and with every interaction we make with these people, we discover new dimensions to their personality... Dimensions that we haven't calculated or taken into consideration... Dimensions that might be too big to too small to fit on the frames we have created in the beginning. 

I've come to this conclusion after I myself have been put within frames that I couldn't bear to be put in. I disappointed so many people by simply being a different image of what they have expected from me to be. Correct me if I'm wrong, but none of us enjoy the look of disappointment in other people's eyes, especially people that matter.

We just need to accept that we each come with different frames that contain and bring together what make us what we are. I know this is not as easy as it sounds, understanding that people come as is is hard and we cannot just stuff them in the void we want and need them to fill. It might take me time to understand this and act upon it, but I will reach that point. Until then, I send you all lots of love... Whoever you are and wherever you are...

M.C.