Limitless Determination

Like any other person, getting demotivated while trying to reach your long term goal is ordinary. But when the downs are taking place more than the ups this is when you know something is just not right. This is when you know that you have drifted away and your focus is no longer in the right place. Losing weight and getting in shape has always been one of the essential goals I've always striven to attain. 

Lately, my vision towards reaching to the end point has been blurred by no one else but myself. I have let the other Mariam in me, the one we are not so fond of, take over. She and her train of thoughts started invading my entity. Why do people put less effort to lose weight than I do and still succeed? Why do people keep comparing me to others? Why am I prevented from practicing things that will make my journey easier? Thoughts like this (and a lot worse) kept manipulating with my determination and intention to live the life I once chose to start. But I wasn't going to let this tag along for it not only affected my physique, but my inner self too. I decided to stop comparing myself to others in a negative manner. I decided to take action again. 

My wake up call came two days ago when my trainer -who was away last month- was amazed by my endurance and fitness level despite everything. We had a heart-to-heart conversation. Another one came from another inspirational person in my life who pushed me towards setting short and long term goals to help me visualize my journey. 

I don't feel bad about the downs I have been through so far, if anything I am grateful for the other vicious Mariam who helped me reach to where I am now. I am a determined woman and I know exactly where I'll be at through and at the end of my journey. 

I will  live the life I want to live with the determination, intention and energy I possess and the support of the ones igniting my path along the way.

Today, I start again.

M.C.

The limitations to my positive thoughts

Unlike the past week, I woke up today feeling this negative energy settling on my chest. I tried to shake it off, chose to wear a bright outfit but ended up wearing an extremely dull one. To many of you, those two lines did not make sense what so ever, but for someone who expresses their inner peace with the outer appearance, this meant one thing: sh*t is going down! I went along my day trying to shove away those thoughts and feelings but the voices in my head won the battle and something did happen; my friend's grandmother passed away. After pushing all my strengths towards comforting my friend on this devastating news it suddenly hit me: I won't be seeing my grandmother Bodour for the first time sitting in her chair at her salon, at her house, calling me to eat boiled beets with her (something I never ate until last winter when she forced me to try them).  She won't be there to complement the way I dress. She won't be there to criticize my loud voice and laughter. She won't be there to forbid me from having anything but her home cooked meals... She won't be there. She won't be there. She won't be there. She won't be there. She won't be there .She won't be there. She won't be there...

I'm trying to look at this differently, the way I try to look at other things. I'm trying to find the good part in this but my selfish human conscious is preventing me to feel it. The only thing I can think about is that I hope she really is in a better place, enjoying her time with the people she always wanted to be with. 

This is to you tayta Bodour, tayta Fatat and all my loved ones who I truly love and now deeply miss...

M.C

Bodour: Full Moon(s)

I apologize my dear readers as for the past week I was completely out of touch due to the unfortunate passing away of my habibti grandmother Bodour - May her soul rest in peace-. She was a strong woman who fought to raise her children all by herself in this cruel, cruel world.

I would like to take this chance to thank each and everyone of you who supported me with their kind words and hugs through out the past week. 

With the loss of every person close to my heart, I try to confront my disbelieves and find true comfort  in the words I write. This time, I'm going to share a note that I've written more than two years ago on the loss of Sima -May her soul rest in peace-, a lively friend I met at the American University of Sharjah .

Since I was a little girl, I was always taught that as there is a beginning there is an end to everything and everyone. They've always 

spoken of death as something unpredictable and unavoidable…Something that will eventually has its hands on you.

Of course, I am here not to object on death. But I wonder, why is there a book on how to peel a banana in three steps and not one sentence to guide us through the loss of a beloved one!! Yes, I’m someone who can never understand the concept of death. I want to be in comfort with death. I see people around me repeating words like: “it’s ok, this is God’s will.” But why do I, a strong believer (I would like to believe), still tremble whenever death is ‘around’? Why am I, up until this day, still not OK with losing a beloved someone…a friend..a teacher...a grandma..a cousin…an uncle…?

‘They’ say it gets easier with time. That 'soon' you'll cope with the non-existence of that person anymore.

Is it only me, or this does not make any sense what so ever? I’ve finally come to the conclusion that by saying this, we try to comfort the little voice inside of us saying that no, it’s not ok…You just lost someone so dear to you and it’s ok if you cry and curse. But we want that voice to go away because truth, truth just hurts. And so, we look around for the other people in grief and try to help them with the ‘wise’ words we’ve been taught through out our lives.

But at the end of the day, we cannot help but think of the loved ones we lost and sob in tears...

Allah, please grant me the strength that I terribly lack and need.

May Allah protect all the loved ones in my life and yours. 

Reading this today I see that my perspective on death has only slightly changed. Like any other person, I still dislike the concept of losing the sight and voice of someone you love but I accept now that people like 'tayta Bodour' deserves another chance to live happier days with people she once  talked fondly of...

I pray your safe and happy wherever you are tayta, surrounded by the people that brings you comfort... Such comfort that you've always managed to give your children and people surrounding you. 

M.C.

Unleash the Politician!

Politics is everywhere. No, I'm not talking about the sort we watch on T.V., read on newspapers, check online or so, I'm talking about the type concerned with 'personal politics'. The kind of politics that handles day to day situations between family members, friends, acquaintances, work, etc. 

In the past couple of months, I've been going through many changes on all levels. Trying to figure out ways to get through my days with minimal head and heart aches but unfortunately sometimes, at some occasions, I fail miserably. This practically happens when I misunderstand people or mostly be misunderstood, which brings me to my biggest concern: why do we lack transparency in our daily transactions? Why is it that most of us perceive transparency the wrong way? And why is transparency in communication is mostly associated with negative thoughts and feelings? Many questions left me sleepless last night trying to find the best solutions and answers. Hours later the answer was flashing on my forehead: politics. You got to deal with things the way any politician would deal with his or her daily situations.

After I congratulated and patted myself on the shoulder for the epiphany moment I went through, another question popped up, now what? What shall I do in order to make my life and others' lives easier? Do I just play it like I'm expected do?... Needless to say, I did not like this approach so I tried to shift my thoughts towards something else. I took deep breathes, tried to focus, really focus on what do I want and realized that I cannot expect others to understand me as I am if I don't. I can't expect them to accept my transparency if I don't. So here you go: I hereby confess that sometimes (ok maybe most of the time) I don't accept transparency directed to me the way I should and that's mainly because I expect people to be transparent the way I know and understand what transparency is. 

So from now on, I will - not only try - be as accepting to others words and actions towards me as much as I want them to react to my words and actions. If I can do it, trust me you can! Let's all pull out the good politicians within us and create an understating atmosphere!

M.C.

Reminder to Self: Live your Life with Gratitude

First of all, I would like to apologize for not posting this earlier. I was facing some technical problems... 

Second, Thank you! Thank you all 1000+ readers. You are the reason why I will never stop voicing out. I hope that my words are reaching every single one of you in a way or another. I love you all and wish you and your families Eid Mubarak. So, although I have a lot to share with you this week, I decided to give you a mini break to enjoy this long weekend with your loved ones, away from my thoughts and words!

Oh! One last thing, be thankful for the people you are surrounded with and the things you have. Your family and friends provide you with the love and care you need everyday in different ways and actions that you are mostly oblivious to…

So, say thank you more often and spread the love ^_^!

M.C.

Tick Tock, the right timing is here!

A couple of days ago, while heading back from Dubai to Abu Dhabi, I had the chance to think about something that has  bothering me for a while now. It has come to my attention that I try SO hard to defend myself, my thoughts, my actions, my beliefs, etc. It's not teenager talk, I don't want to just *insert annoying teenager tone* 'do whatever I  totally feel like doing...like totally'. But rather, I started thinking about several incidents where I allow people to push me towards babbling reasons to why I've done something the way I did and why it wasn't my fault and so on... 

So, I started raising questions: When should I just shush and not say anything to people in front me? when should I just node my head and work the muscles on my cheeks up? And so I thought, maybe it's simply when my explanations and justifications are not needed because whoever is confronting me is not really interested nor waiting for what I have to say. They are just here to shout out whatever they want to say and leave. But then another thought joined the ongoing  train of thoughts: sometimes people come and raise questions about things you've done and said wanting to hear what you have to say. In these cases, I think it is safe if I start saying what is on my mind and explain how things led to another... right? maybe?!

I went on and tried the above scenarios for 4 days but it did not work for me! No they did NOT! I couldn't just take the blame for things I haven't done or said! I couldn't just stand there with my mouth shut. I needed to defend my thoughts, my words and my actions! I needed to stand up for myself and I wasn't going to wait for someone to do it for me. But, unfortunately, this did not work either. Saying whatever is on your mind at the happening moment is not always the right action to take. So again, I went back to my  journey of finding the perfect way to "voice out" and I figured: it's all about the timing! And trust me, holding yourself back to find the perfect timing is NOT easy! Oh not at all! But I'm learning and taking by the advice to take deep breaths all the time and deeper breaths at other times.

Until then, I can assure you one thing; I, Mariam El Chami, will never suppress my thoughts. Never.

M.C.

When Your Face is Stuffed in the Dirt

Ever felt like you're the underdog? When no matter what you do or where you reach is never enough? When you  give and give, try and try, but never seize to get their attention? I know I've been through this and more. I've always felt like I'm competing for the "grand prix", for their "oh wow Mariam! You did it!"... And by "their" I mean absolutely everyone. My family, friends, people on the street, anyone. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting people you care about to see what you're doing, to feel what you have to go through everyday to get to where you are, but it is when you wait for their appraisals that you stop living, being and doing anything for yourself. Your complete focus shifts towards the wrong direction. This is when you allow negative feelings and thoughts of frustration, defeat, disappointment and unfulfillment to penetrate within your soul, mind and body. At this point, whatever you do will never make you feel good about yourself. Whatever goals you reach will never give you the thrill. You will simply deprive yourself from celebrating  every single time you rise because you'll be blinded by what people are saying about others and not you. 

Last weekend, I heard a sentence that caused blood to rush through my entire body. "No one can take away your achievements". I remember I was on the cross trainer at the gym and I actually paused and stood there with thoughts flowing and tears pouring. The mini voices in my head started screaming: YES! YOU ARE BEING FOR YOUR SAKE. YOU ARE DOING FOR YOUR SAKE. It IS ok if a day passes and you don't get a pat on the shoulder because not all people express what's within like you do.

So, next time you feel like you are falling apart and your face is stuffed in the dirt know that time has come for you to do more, give more, achieve more, and try, try, and try a little more... Because at the end of the day, it's true fellow reader when they say: no one can take away your achievements unless you let them... You're a star, believe in yourself and what you are capable of, search within and you will find what you can do and how far you can reach, because you simply can. 

M.C.