"Why haven't you been blogging, Mariam?", people say, And I always reply with: "well you know, things have been the same lately and I really don't have juicy material to "voice out" about!
My family, oh I mean the people, oh I mean my fans care about my mental well-being and they know exactly how important my voice and words are to me and the impact of expressing my thoughts on my overall health. Lately, everyone has been concerned with how well I've been coping with the changes that have occurred last year except for me. I was sure, a 100 percent sure, that I was completely fine. That I wasn't only coping, I was doing great!
Earlier today, I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine when she asked me how I was doing. Knowing her coffee addiction I told her: Imagine if one day you woke up and they told you that after having the same cup of coffee everyday, you just cannot have it anymore. Not today, not ever. Now imagine being loved by the same person for almost seven years, and one day, one awful day, someone calls you to tell you that this person, the only person you were comfortable being you around, has simply chosen to take the road most taken. My reaction then was to swear to never shed a tear! Yup, I am very dramatic in nature. Very emotional too. Then again, imagine that the people that have been showering you with nothing but love for the past 24 years have chosen to travel back to your hometown. Yup. Sucks big time. Well I still have no idea why I've chosen to react in that manner but I just did. It felt like the right thing to do.
I did a great job covering the voids. Little did I know that a year and half after the "incident", the moon hit my eye like a big pizza pie, but it definitely did not feel like amore! So no Dean Martin, allow me to correct you. It felt like I have opened my own pandora's box and all the evil that was there started pouring out!
Two days ago, I felt it. It's like the curse I have put on myself was finally lifted. I felt every single emptiness that was there to feel! I hate it the idea that as an expressive person, I forbade my own self to express what had to be felt. I have been dragging myself to rock bottom subconsciously -or consciously- at this moment it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I am free. For the first time in a long time I know what that means and more importantly, how it feels. I am not empty, I simply have more room to look in, reflect and grow into the woman I have always wanted to be.
My epiphany moment(s) might have taken a while, but better now than never. I know I'm ready and I am right back at the starting line and I will fight my way back to the person I was becoming, because I'm simply worth the fight.
M.C.
